Desmond Kang questioned:
I had an interesting, but too brief, conversation with some friends after supper tonight. One asked that if, as actors, we are so accustomed to putting on roles like changing masks, is there any time or situation in which we are simply ourselves without having to *be* a character.

So I started thinking that the question probably applied to gays just as much. We spend so much time and energy for so many years concealing (passively or actively) our "difference", is there any time/place/situation where we feel we can totally be ourselves? Is that even possible online in a relatively anonymous forum like this?

I'm interested in the group's thoughts. So many postings and posters have been so eloquent and thoughtful that I'd like to hear your take on this.

Dahllus opinioned:
Well, to sum it all, we all wear masks - as a filial son, dedicated worker, good friend, etc. often conflicting ones too. There are some who find it in close friendships; some in lovers (it's starting to sound like a Westlife song now =P); and for gay men, gay clubs. Though I think we have become a victim of our own sexuality when gay men overcompensate for the lack of public expression, hence orgies, muscle-marys, and excessive hedonism. It is just my 2 cents.

Tarantula lectured:
You just speculated on what I've been stating as factual for quite a number of years.

I think a huge percentage of Gay men are totally lost as far as who they are and how they actually behave, simply because we have been "on stage" most of our lives. I've heard remarks about Gays being not too trustworthy and that they tend to lie a lot.

I agree. We don't trust many people because we learned very young that there is nobody to trust. Those who loved us the most...our families... also spoke very poorly of "queers" and how awful and disgusting they are. How can you trust someone to keep you safe if they actually would hate you if they knew your real thoughts?

Of course people we knew from school were kept at arm's-length from out real lives because they would speculate and then "Mob Mentality" would take over and next thing you know you are being stripped naked and left miles from town to figure-out what the Hell to do next. (Never mind the humiliation which would follow in school the next
day, week, month, year, etc.)

As for lies...we had to lie from the time we were very young and continue to lie... and be REALLY GOOD at it, too! People ask why there are so many Gays in theater and I just grin because I think it's obvious. We're highly experience actors! By the time we are high school age, we've been acting day in, day out for the last 10 years or more. Who could possibly beat that kind of experience?

An Actor has to lie in order to play a part. That's what it's all about... assuming the identity of someone you must learn to be, then go about being THEM rather than you, which includes having to go onstage and lie...not in a bad way to be deceitful but rather to
play the role and be convincing. Being a liar in everyday life is very easy because we have been conditioned to carefully speak the "right" answers, agree with all the "right" statements even though we don't agree at all, and even spontaneously blurt-out statements which we not only don't believe, but we may even find rather repulsive. (Example: Girl walks down street and you make the comment "God, she is fuckin' HOT!" and of course you get smiles and grins from "the guys" who think you have pretty good taste in women)

Luckily, we get out of the old routines when we go to college or just move out of town and take a job elsewhere. New friends, GAY friends, new social habits but you can't talk about where you've been or what you've done with family because they'd be horrified to hear the truth. So, you lie.

"Where have you been going on the weekends?" and you answer "Oh, out with the guys... to clubs and stuff". Then the predictable response "So, have you met any nice girls recently?" and you lie again, because you don't want to say "No" since you've said that too many times, so you become cheery and make-up a few names of girls you've met and socialized with while trying to turn the conversation to something else.

The lies and the persona of your alter-ego prevail in your personal life among friends who pose no threat at all. You might be working as a Waiter at some family restaurant where the tips suck but you don't say that because several of your friends are making good money at other types of jobs. So, you lie and over-extend your credit cards in order to have something to show everyone as "Oh, just something I spotted, liked and bought! It's ONLY money, right!" and everyone laughs.

Is it any wonder that Gay men in sub-average to average paying jobs are one of the biggest credit risks out there? Credit card companies profile you and see what you are buying, where you get it and what charges are appearing on your credit cards (not just the one from them... they can access ALL of your credit cards) and once you fit the Gay Profile, they keep a close eye on you. I know at least eight Gay men who have filed for bankruptcy in the last few years. They didn't do it because they had to pay-off huge medical bills or had bad luck with repairs to their car... They got into trouble because the credit line was there and they wanted THINGS to keep the persona alive.

Remember, we're all on-stage and at the same time we're all each other's audience. The critics are very harsh, too. It's cool to be "bitchy" and some Gay men go out of their way to practice being as miserable, insulting and rude as possible... and are PROUD of it!

Why is it that the guy you tricked with last night ignores you as he walks past you tonight? It's an acceptable Gay behavior but why? Answer: GUILT. He's feeling very guilty because he said things which may have been out of character for his persona and now he wants nothing to do with you for fear you will trip him up should you get into a conversation with him in front of his friends. Imagine the looks when you ask "So, did you go horseback riding today like you said you were going to?" and his friends all stare at him in total wonderment until someone says "Shit, he wouldn't know what end of the horse to hang the feed bucket on!" and everyone laughs...AT him. But last night he told you about his six horses he keeps upstate about 70 miles and how much money they are worth.

You are on the right track about all of this. We ARE On Stage all the time and have been since we were kids. We DO lie often, because we got damned good at it as youngsters and teenagers. It was the "normal way to behave" to save your ass, so trying to change now isn't all that easy. It's like trying to learn to walk backwards because suddenly that is the acceptable way of getting around.

I'm fortunate to have a circle of friends who knows everything about everyone and there are no lies or tricks because SOMEONE will know. It keeps you honest and oddly, knowing you are not able to get away with bullshit leaves you a lot more relaxed. Damn! The lights are off and finally you get to relax in the dressing room. No costume... no script... no play acting. Just being you... OR ARE YOU?

KK commented:
Yes the lights are off, the costume is discarded, the script is forgotten....Now it's time for you to take the makeup off and be yourself....Try it, being "off stage" I mean, because all I read of your missive was just that, under the spotlight and talking to the back row of the theater....Life is NOT a lie, unless you make it so. Actors are NOT liars, but imaginers. As for peers, circumstances, locales, environs they are merely staging and backdrops, not real unless you make or allow them to be so. It is not necessary to walk through life wearing a Broadway Marquee exclaiming, "I'M GAY" in neon lights, but merely being gay period, if that is your desire. No need to wear the clown face of Pagliacci with the tear running down your cheek, when a simple smile to the world will accomplish so much more. In short, be YOU, not as what Society, as you perceive it, wants you to be, but as YOU want to be. It's the only path to tranquility and happiness my friend...

Rahim voiced:
If I may paraphrase.....Life is but a stage and we are all actors upon it. Most people have found that stripping all "masks" leave them too vulnerable to attack. But it is hoped that these defenses are down with that special someone who in truth deserves all the bare facts without embellishments. As for the anonymity of these forums, they aren't. What we say and do here is open to way too much public scrutiny for that; hence, the embellishments, the attempts to make one "more acceptable" in a so-called "peer group". Total honesty is a wondrous thing, but a terrible weapon to place in strange hands.

I think I was pretty lucky in that I never really felt the need to put on the mask and be someone else. I spent most of my life being exactly who I thought I was. As the years have passed, that has changed and so I have changed but I never really thought of it as putting on a mask. When I came to the conclusion that I was gay, I wore it out there as just another part of who I am (much to my parents' dismay...LOL). I believe that we live many lifetimes and learn many lessons during those lifetimes. I think that is a lesson that I had already learned and it helped to prepare me for this life. I have had many other challenges and am glad that was one I never really had to deal with too much.

Bernard disclosed:
For years I too "played" the straight guy/man role. Yes there are times when I can just let go, be myself, and not worry if I say or do something inappropriate. I belong to a men's group here in Sydney , and when I am with that group or smaller gatherings of these also gay men, I feel I can just totally relax and be myself. I can also be myself around family members who know I am gay.


Jung included:
Sometimes we will be tired with our mask. And will let our "hair" down. And here is my funny story to share. My colleague, an older lady in her 50s always asks me. "Why still single, you are not bad looking, got a job, and so many single girls here, choose one lor", she would said. She said this many times until one day I got so fed up and answer back with a smile, "Sigh, I also don't know, have to ask my boyfriend, why he never come and
marry me, sigh!" After that she never asks again. She is retired already now.


Bern stated:
Existence precedes and rules essence - Jean-Paul Sartre, Being and Nothingness (1943)

It maintains, roughly, that the thinking subjects existence precedes its essence, and that our subjective existence, as thinkers, consequently is radically free, cannot be objectively construed, and is consequently incapable of any objective scientific characterization. (members.aol.com/lshauser2/lexicon.htm)

So, with or without the mask, we are, who we think we are. Eh ... but one question dear Mr. Sartre, am I gay, if I think I am gay but I f**k a woman?

Jean-Paul Sartre: We do not know what we want and yet we are responsible for what we are - that is the fact.

Lek shared:
We look outside and we see scarecrows dressed in the latest styles with frozen smiles.

How often are we not ourselves...

When one breaks away from shadows and tinted glasses, there's always a price to pay. Sometimes it's similar to coming out. It all draws down to priorities and how we want others to perceive us as.

With a Halloween mask in my car, who could ask for more. When I am bad, I am so good. So, stake me, Buffy, before I bite someone.

Can a cow look like a ninja turtle? Sure! Go figure.

Ben mentioned:
There are many reasons why one put on mask, some has no choice because of the work, background or lifestyle. Well I'm never a person that put on a mask, may be only during sex or role-play. To me any mask is not good. It's better to be your true self, unless you have a good reason. The worst kind of mask wearing person is those who hurt the one that loves and cares for them; married men, or straight guys with girl friends. They put a mask on in front of their women and then have fun with other men or boys. One hand holding the wife/gf in the mall, the eyes are looking at other men/boys. That is the worst. Lying and hurting the ones who love them.

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